How to Survive Other People’s Judgment of Your Anxious Child
It’s happening. Again.
Your child is in the middle of a "big" reaction. Maybe they’re refusing to enter the classroom, sobbing over a minor change in plans, or having a full-blown "anxious-explosive" moment in the middle of a crowded cafe.
And then you feel it. The Gaze.
You know the one. It’s that look from the other parents. Sometimes it’s pitying, sometimes it’s annoyed, and sometimes it’s that "If that were my child..." that makes you want to crawl into a hole.
Suddenly, you aren't just managing your child’s anxiety. You’re drowning in your own. Your face gets hot, your heart starts racing, and your brain starts screaming: Everyone thinks I’m a bad parent. They think I’ve raised a spoiled kid. They have no idea how hard this is.
Welcome to the Parental Judgment Trap. The Double-Whammy of Anxiety
When you have an anxious kid, you’re already playing parenting on "Hard Mode." But the judgment of others adds a second layer of exhaustion. We start parenting for the audience instead of parenting for our child.
In my office, I call this "Performance Parenting." When we feel judged, we tend to do one of two things:
The Over-Correction: We get harsh or "tough" with our kid just to show the onlookers that we are in control (even though we feel like we aren't).
The Over-Apology: We start over-explaining to total strangers. "Oh, he’s just tired," or "She’s usually so much better than this."
Here’s the truth: Both of these reactions are fueled by your anxiety, not your child’s needs. And the "Worry Brain" loves it because it keeps you focused on what you can't control (other people's opinions) instead of what you can (your own nervous system).
Why Their Opinion Doesn’t Actually Matter
When someone judges you, it feels like an emergency. But let’s look at the data.
Most people "judging" you are actually just projecting their own stuff. Or, frankly, they’ll forget about your child’s meltdown by the time they hit the parking lot. You are obsessing over a five-second interaction that they’ve already moved on from.
But when you let that judgment drive your reaction, you’re sending a message to your anxious child: "This situation is an emergency because people are watching." You’re accidentally teaching them that the opinion of a stranger in the cereal aisle is more important than their internal struggle.
How to Reclaim Your Power
So, how do we stop the "judgment loop"?
1. Acknowledge the "Hot Face" The next time you feel that surge of shame, name it. “Oh, look at that. My face is hot because I think Mrs. Smith thinks I’m failing. Hi, anxiety. I see you.” Just naming it takes the power away.
2. Focus on the "Inside Circle" There are only a handful of people whose opinions actually matter—maybe your spouse, your best friend, and your child’s teacher. Everyone else is in the "Outside Circle." Their feedback is just noise. Imagine a physical bubble around you and your child. What’s happening inside that bubble is your business. Everything else is just background static.
3. Use a "Shield" Phrase Instead of over-explaining, have a go-to phrase for the audience. A simple, "We’re working through a tough moment, thanks," is a complete sentence. It signals to the world (and yourself) that you are the expert on your child and you've got this handled.
Building Resilience (For Both of You)
Resilience isn't just for the kids. It’s for us, too.
Managing your child’s anxiety—and the OCD or "big feelings" that come with it—requires you to be the "calm captain" of the ship. You can't steer the ship if you're constantly running to the deck to see what the passengers think of your steering.
The next time you’re in public and the anxiety hits, take a breath. Look at your child, not the crowd. You aren't failing; you're doing the hard, invisible work of raising a child in a loud world.
Tired of feeling like you’re failing the "audience" of parenting? If you're ready to stop the "Performance Parenting" and start building real-world resilience for you and your child, let’s connect. Reach out here to schedule a free intro call for strategies on navigating the messy parts of raising anxious kids. You’ve got this—even if the lady in the checkout line thinks otherwise.
