Talking to Kids about Shootings without Making Anxiety the Boss
The world feels incredibly loud right now. And even when we do our best to shield our kids from the fire hose of bad news, they're still listening. They absorb the tension, catch a headline over our shoulder, and show up with a question that stops us in our tracks. That tricky character I call "Worry" gets your child to ask The Question:
"Could that happen to me?"
"Could that happen at my school?"
And there it is. Worry just put you on the spot. It's demanding an answer you can't possibly give: a 100%, iron-clad guarantee of perfect safety, forever. It wants reassurance. And if you give it that reassurance ("Of course not, don't worry!"), you've just handed Worry a tasty snack, making it stronger for next time.
So what do we do? We have to change the game. Our job isn't to get rid of uncertainty—we can't. Our job is to stop letting Worry call the shots. It’s to give our kids the skills to look Worry in the eye and say, "I can handle this."
Step 1: See Worry's Playbook (and Stop Falling for It)
Before you say a word, you need to recognize what's happening. The topic is a shooting, but the process is classic Worry.
Worry's process is always the same:
It shows up with a scary "What if...?"
It demands certainty and a guarantee.
It tries to pull you (the parent) into the game to provide endless reassurance.
Reassurance is Worry's favorite food. It feels helpful for about three seconds, but it teaches your child that the feeling of anxiety is so intolerable they need someone else to fix it. It also implies that they should feel 100% certain all the time, which is impossible.
So, the first step is a parent-step: Recognize the pattern and decide you're not going to play Worry's game.
Step 2: Swap Reassurance for Confidence
When your child asks, "Could that happen here?" they are asking for reassurance. What they need is your confidence. They need to see that you are not rattled by the question and that you believe in their ability to handle scary feelings.
What NOT to say (Reassurance):
"Don't worry, you're perfectly safe here."
"That will never happen at your school."
"There's nothing to be scared of."
What to say instead (Confidence and Connection):
"That's such an important question. And it makes sense that hearing that news would make you think about it." (This connects without offering a guarantee).
"I hear you. That's a big, scary thought to have. Let's talk about it." (You are showing you can handle the topic).
"Worry is really trying to get you worked up, isn't it? Let's not let it be the boss of our Sunday afternoon." (You are externalizing the worry and siding with your child against it).
You are modeling that uncertainty is a normal part of life and that scary thoughts are just thoughts—not predictions.
Step 3: Focus on the "How," Not the "What-If"
Worry loves to live in the vague, terrifying "What-If." Your job is to pull the conversation back to the concrete, predictable, and even boring "How."
How do we, as a family and a community, handle safety?
You shift the conversation to the process of safety. The plans, the people, the things we do every day.
You can say: "Worry loves to spin stories about what might happen. Let's talk about what is happening. The grown-ups at your school think about safety all the time. That's why you have locked doors. That's why the gates are closed. That's why you practice drills."
Reframe the drills. They aren't terrifying rehearsals for disaster. They are skills.
"You know how you practice fire drills? It feels pretty boring now, right? You just line up and walk outside. A lockdown drill is the same thing. It's just practice so your body knows the routine. The plan is a skill, and it's not a secret."
Step 4: Give the Job Back to Your Kid
Your child needs to know they are capable of managing their own feelings. You are the coach, not the player. Empower them to talk back to Worry.
You can ask:
"When that Worry shows up and whispers that question, what do you think you could say back to it so it knows you're in charge?"
"Worry wants us to sit here and talk about scary things all day. Should we listen, or should we go to biking like we planned?"
"Let's make a list of all the things we are in charge of in our family that keep us safe and healthy. What should we put on it?"
Ultimately, the goal is to teach your child that when Worry shows up, they don't have to roll out the red carpet. They can notice it, acknowledge the feeling it brings, and then get back to the important business of being a kid. You do this by modeling confidence, focusing on skills, and refusing to let that tricky Worry creature hijack your family's life.
Managing worry is a skill. If you're ready to stop negotiating with anxiety and start building a real toolkit for your family, I'm here to help.
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