Why "Relaxing" is the Wrong Goal for Winter Break (And What to Aim for Instead)

Let’s be real about the "Winter Break Fantasy."

You know the one. You’re holding a warm mug that actually stays warm. The kids are playing peacefully with their new Legos in the background. There is soft music. There are no alarms. Everyone is just… chilling.

Then Tuesday morning hits.

The structure of school is gone. The adrenaline of the holiday has worn off. And suddenly, your anxious child isn’t relaxing. They’re picking fights with siblings. They’re following you from room to room asking, "What are we doing now?" for the four-hundredth time. You find yourself hiding in the pantry eating the chocolate chips just to get a minute of silence.

If you feel like you’re failing because your house feels more like a fight club than a Hallmark movie, I have good news: You aren’t doing it wrong.

The problem isn't your parenting. The problem is the goal.

We keep trying to "relax." But for a child with anxiety, "relaxing" (aka doing nothing) is actually terrifying.

Why Anxiety Hates a "Chill" Day

We adults crave the void. We want an empty calendar.

But anxious kids? They rely on external structures to feel safe. School is exhausting, yes, but it’s also predictable. They know that math follows reading. They know when snack time is. They know where the edges of the world are.

When Winter Break arrives, we pull the rug out.

• No bells.

• No schedule.

• No predictable flow.

To an anxious brain, this doesn't feel like freedom. It feels like free fall.

When an anxious child doesn't know what is coming next, their brain fills in the blanks with worry. That’s why you see the "control freak" behaviors spike. That’s why they melt down over the wrong socks. They are frantically trying to create order in a world that suddenly feels too loose.

The New Goal: Swap "Relaxation" for "Regulation"

If we aim for relaxation, we will lose every time. Instead, aim for Regulation.

A regulated nervous system feels safe. And ironically, once a child is regulated, then they might actually relax. But we have to build the safety net first.

Here is how to do it without turning your holiday into a boot camp.

1. The "Pajama Trap"

It is so tempting to let everyone stay in PJs until 2 PM. It feels like a treat. But for many anxious kids, staying in sleepwear signals "sick day" or "sleep mode." It makes the transition to doing anything else feel like climbing Everest.

The Fix: You don't need to be dressed in party attire, but get dressed for life. Change into "daytime comfy clothes" by 10 AM. It signals to the brain: The day has started. We are online.

2. Anchor Points (Not Schedules)

Please, do not make a color-coded hourly schedule. You are tired. You deserve a break too.

Instead of a schedule, use Anchor Points. These are the non-negotiables that happen at roughly the same time every day to give the day a "skeleton."

• Morning Anchor: Breakfast + Get Dressed.

• Mid-Day Anchor: Lunch + 1 hour of "Quiet Time" (Screen time counts here—no guilt allowed).

• Evening Anchor: Dinner + Bedtime Routine.

Whatever happens between those anchors can be chaos. But the anchors stay firm. This reassures the anxious brain: "I don't know what we're doing at 3 PM, but I know lunch is at 12, so I’m okay."

3. The "Menu" on the Fridge

Anxious kids ask "What are we doing?" because they can't visualize the time.

Grab a sticky note or a whiteboard. Write down 3-4 options for the "free time" blocks.

• Build Legos

• Go for a walk

• Watch a movie

• Draw

When they start vibrating with anxious boredom, point to the fridge. "I'm not the cruise director today, bud. Check the menu." It gives them agency (which reduces anxiety) without putting the burden of entertainment on you.

A Note to the Overwhelmed Parent

Here is the part nobody puts on Instagram: This is hard work for you.

Being the external regulator for a dysregulated child is exhausting. It is okay to mourn the "do nothing" holiday you didn't get. It is okay to be annoyed that you have to maintain a routine when you just want to check out.

Lower the bar.

If you kept the anchors in place, fed everyone, and helped your child through one meltdown without losing your cool? That is a massive victory.

The goal isn't always to make a magical holiday break.

You don't have to carry the mental load alone.

If this holiday break has highlighted just how hard things have been lately, consider this your permission slip to ask for backup. You are the expert on your child, but sometimes even experts need a second set of eyes—and a added layer of support.

If you're feeling overwhelmed and want to head into the New Year with a solid game plan, reach out to me. I’m here to help you find your footing again.