When "Disrespect" Is Actually Anxiety: Decoding Your Child's Defiance
If you’ve ever found yourself in a power struggle with your child over something as simple as putting on shoes or heading to a birthday party, you know that "deer in the headlights" feeling. Suddenly, your sweet kid is yelling, slamming doors, or saying things like, "You can't make me!" or "I hate this family!"
In the heat of the moment, it feels like blatant disrespect. Your blood pressure rises, and your "parental authority" alarm starts blaring. But here is the secret I talk about constantly: Anxiety is a master of disguise.
When kids are anxious, they don't always look worried. They often look mad.
The "Fight" in Fight-or-Flight
We often think of an anxious child as someone huddled in a corner, biting their nails. While that happens, many kids experience the fight side of the stress response.
When a child’s brain perceives a threat—even if that "threat" is just the uncertainty of a new math unit or a loud social gathering—the amygdala takes over. This is the part of the brain responsible for survival. It doesn't care about manners or "using your words." It cares about safety.
When that survival instinct kicks in, it looks like:
Irritability and Snappiness: Quick triggers over small things.
Defiance: Refusing to move or follow directions (a way to gain control).
Aggression: Physical or verbal outbursts meant to "push away" the perceived threat.
It’s Not a Character Flaw; It’s a Lack of Skills
If we label this behavior as "disrespect," we tend to move straight toward punishment. But you can't punish anxiety out of a child.
Think of it this way: An anxious child is struggling with uncertainty and uncomfortable physical sensations. They don't have the emotional vocabulary yet to say, "Mom, my stomach feels like it’s full of bees because I'm worried no one will sit with me at lunch." Instead, they scream, "I'm not going to school!”
The Goal: We want to stop reacting to the symptom (the yelling) and start addressing the source (the worry).
How to Shift Your Approach
How do we handle the "disrespect" without letting the anxiety run the house?
Stop the Logic Train: You cannot reason with a brain in "fight" mode. If your child is mid-meltdown, wait for the lizard brain to quiet down before you try to teach a lesson.
Externalize the Worry: Give the anxiety a name. Talk about how "The Worry Creature" is trying to make things loud and angry right now. This separates your child’s identity from the behavior.
Validate the Feeling, Not the Action: You can say, "I can see your brain is feeling really overwhelmed right now, but it's not okay to talk to me that way." You’re acknowledging the struggle while maintaining the boundary.
Model the Calm: This is the hardest part. If we get big and loud to match their big and loud, we just confirm to their brain that there is a reason to be in "fight" mode.
Looking Ahead
Next time your child acts out, take a breath and ask yourself: "Is this a discipline problem, or is this an 'I’m overwhelmed' problem?" When we view their defiance through the lens of anxiety, we move from being their opponent to being their coach.
Ready to Stop the Power Struggles?
If you want to start building a toolkit that actually works for your child’s unique brain, let’s talk. I help parents move past the "disrespect" labels and get to the heart of what’s really going on.
Understanding that anxiety is behind the "attitude" is the first step, but knowing what to do in the heat of the moment is where the real work happens. You don't have to figure this out by trial and error, and you certainly don't have to do it alone.
Reach out through my website today. Let’s set up a time to chat about how we can turn down the volume in your house and give your child the skills they need to manage their worry—without the blowups.
