When Their Anxiety Becomes Yours: How to Regulate When Your Child is Struggling

You see it in their eyes first – the worry. The heaviness. Maybe it’s after a long day of holding it together at school, a meltdown over homework, or that quiet “I can’t do this anymore” fatigue.

And then it happens in you.

Your chest tightens. Thoughts race:
“They’re not okay.”
“I don’t know what to do.”
“I can’t handle another night like this.”

Their anxiety becomes yours. Suddenly, you’re both caught in a swirling storm, each of you desperate for the other to calm down so you can calm down too.

Why this anxiety cycle happens

As parents, we’re wired to keep our kids safe. When they’re anxious or distressed, your brain goes into high alert, scanning for danger. But here’s the tricky part:

An anxious brain sees emotions as danger.

When your child is overwhelmed, it’s easy to interpret it as:
“This is too much. Something is wrong. I can’t fix this.”

Your own anxiety takes over, pushing you into fight, flight, or freeze. You might snap, shut down, or spiral with them. Not because you’re a bad parent – but because your nervous system is trying to protect you both.

What to do instead

Pause and notice your own state.
Before jumping into fix-it mode, take three slow breaths. Ask yourself:
“What is my body doing right now?”
Are your shoulders up to your ears? Is your jaw clenched? Notice it. You don’t need to force yourself to feel different. Just notice.

Name what’s happening.
In your mind (or out loud if it helps), say:
“This is anxiety showing up in both of us. We’re both feeling overwhelmed right now.”
Naming it often reduces its intensity.

Separate their anxiety from yours.
Remind yourself:
“Their anxiety is real, but it doesn’t mean I can’t handle this. I can feel anxious and still show up.”
Their feelings don’t have to dictate your reaction.

Choose one small, helpful action.
Instead of trying to fix their anxiety or yours, pick something small:

• Normalize: “You’ve had such a long day.”

• Decide: “We’re all having smoothies for dinner tonight.”

Small moves forward matter more than big solutions in anxious moments.

Model regulation over calm.
Even if you’re shaky inside, showing your child that you can pause, breathe, and choose your next step teaches them regulation – not perfection.

The bottom line

When your child is anxious or falling apart, your nervous system will likely light up too. That’s normal. You’re not failing when you feel triggered – you’re human.

The goal isn’t to never feel anxious when they do.
The goal is to notice it, name it, and choose small, steady actions anyway.

Because in the end, your child doesn’t need a perfectly calm parent. They need a parent who can feel wobbly, take a breath, and keep moving forward with them.

Feeling like your own regulation skills are running on empty?

I help anxious parents raising anxious kids learn to manage their own nervous system so they can show up with steadiness – even on the hardest days.

Parenting an anxious child is hard – but you don’t have to do it alone.