The Myth of Calm: Why Telling Your Anxious Child to “Calm Down” Backfires – and What Actually Works

If you’re parenting an anxious child, you’ve probably said it before:

“Just calm down.”

And chances are, it didn’t work. In fact, it might have made things worse.

Here’s why: Calm isn’t a strategy.

Calm is a state we might reach, but chasing it directly – telling your child (or yourself) to calm down – is like standing at the bottom of a mountain and yelling at yourself to be at the top. It skips the entire climb.

Why Telling Kids to “Calm Down” Backfires

When we tell our anxious kids to calm down in the heat of the moment, we’re unintentionally sending a few unhelpful messages:

“We need to get rid of these feelings right now.”
They learn: Anxiety is dangerous, and I need it gone immediately.

“There’s a right way to feel right now, and you’re doing it wrong.”
Cue even more anxiety about their anxiety.

This creates a frantic loop: anxiety about anxiety about anxiety.

Calm is the Byproduct, Not the Goal

Here’s the truth:

Calm is something that shows up after we do the work.
It arrives as a byproduct of willingness, flexibility, and taking small actions in the presence of discomfort.

We can’t white-knuckle our way to calm. We can’t force our kids into it either. But we can teach them skills to navigate anxiety so that calm finds its way back naturally.

What to Do Instead

Here are practical strategies for parenting an anxious child:

✔️ Normalize anxiety.
Say things like, “This is anxiety showing up. It makes sense you’re feeling this way right now.”

✔️ Focus on what to do rather than how to feel.
Ask, “What’s one small thing we can do right now, even though anxiety is here?”

✔️ Model willingness.
Instead of “Calm down,” try, “This feels uncomfortable, and we can tolerate uncomfortable.”

✔️ Practice coping ahead.
Teach kids to anticipate anxious moments and decide what they want to do when anxiety arrives, rather than trying to prevent it altogether.

✔️ Make room for discomfort.
It sounds counterintuitive, but when we stop fighting anxiety and start noticing it and moving forward with it alongside us, we rob it of its power.

The Bottom Line

Calm is never the immediate goal.

Teaching your child to handle anxious moments builds resilience. They learn that anxiety is a part of life they can navigate – not an enemy they need to defeat on sight.

When we stop chasing calm and start teaching skills, calm finds its way in the door on its own – often quietly, often later – but it arrives because your child knows how to keep living even when anxiety is along for the ride.

Ready to Help Your Child Build Lifelong Skills for Anxiety?

If you’re tired of walking on eggshells around your child’s anxiety and want real tools that actually work, let’s connect.

I help anxious kids and their parents learn practical, science-backed strategies to face anxiety with confidence.

Because parenting an anxious child is hard – but it doesn’t have to feel impossible.