Why ADHD and Anxiety Are Best Friends (And Why Your Child Is Stuck in the Middle)
If there is one thing we know about anxiety, it is that it demands certainty. It wants to know exactly what is going to happen, how it is going to happen, and that everyone will be safe and happy while it happens.
And then, there is your child’s ADHD brain.
If you are raising a child with ADHD, you know that certainty is... well, scarce. You ask them to get their shoes on, and twenty minutes later they are building a Lego tower, shirtless, with one sock on.
As a parent, this probably spikes your anxiety. You start future-tripping: "If they can’t get their shoes on at 10 years old, how will they hold down a job? How will they survive?"
But here is the thing we need to understand: ADHD and Anxiety aren't just co-existing in your child; they are fueling each other. The deficits caused by ADHD create the exact environment where anxiety thrives.
Here is what is actually happening in your child’s brain—and why it looks like defiance, but feels like panic to them.
1. They Can’t "See" the Future (Nonverbal Working Memory)
To get through a morning routine, you need Nonverbal Working Memory. This is the ability to hold a picture in your mind of the future. You picture yourself walking out the door, driving to school, and sitting in class.
Your child’s brain often has a "blind spot" here. They cannot mentalize time. They live entirely in the Now.
Because they cannot "see" the future event (the test, the soccer practice, the transition to school), that empty space feels terrifying.
The ADHD Brain: "I have no concept of what happens next."
The Anxiety: "Since we can't see what's coming, it's probably going to be a disaster. PANIC!"
This is why they melt down when you spring a transition on them. They aren't being difficult; they are disoriented. They are walking into a dark room without a flashlight, and anxiety is screaming that there are monsters in the dark.
2. They Can’t Picture "Done"
You tell your child, "Go clean your room." To you, that is a simple instruction. You can visualize the bed made, the clothes in the hamper, and the books on the shelf.
Your child looks at the room and sees a chaotic swirl of objects. They lack the executive skill to visualize the "Done State."
Because they cannot picture the destination, they cannot map out the path to get there.
The Result: They freeze. They play with a toy instead of cleaning.
The Anxiety: Steps in and says, "You are overwhelmed. This is too big. You’re going to get in trouble. You’re stupid for not knowing how to do this."
So when you walk in and yell because nothing is done, you aren't just battling laziness. You are battling a brain that is flooded with overwhelm because it literally cannot see the goal.
3. The "Groundhog Day" Problem (Episodic Memory)
This is the one that drives us parents up the wall. Episodic Memory is the ability to look back at the past to inform the future. It’s the voice that says, "Hey, remember last time you waited until Sunday night to do your project? You cried for three hours. Let's not do that."
ADHD creates a disconnect here. Your child isn't accessing those past files. They truly, genuinely do not recall the emotional weight of the last mistake in the moment of decision-making.
The Anxiety Loop: Because they keep making the same mistakes (forgetting the homework, losing the sweatshirt), they start to internalize a belief that they are broken. They become anxious about everything because they don't trust their own brain to remember what matters. They live in a state of constant, low-level dread that they are about to mess up again.
4. The Obstacle is the End of the World
Anxious kids need a plan. But because of the ADHD, they struggle to anticipate obstacles.
A neurotypical brain thinks, "I'm going to draw a picture. Oh, the pencil broke. I'll go get a sharpener."
The ADHD/Anxious brain thinks, "I'm going to draw a picture. The pencil broke. THE PLAN IS RUINED. EVERYTHING IS WRONG. I QUIT."
Because they couldn't look ahead and predict that things might go wrong, the obstacle feels like a personal attack. It hits them with the force of a tsunami. This is why small problems result in big explosions. They aren't reacting to the broken pencil; they are reacting to the sudden, overwhelming flood of unplanned failure.
So, How Do We Parent This?
We have to stop parenting the behavior we see on the surface (the yelling, the stalling, the mess) and start parenting the deficit underneath.
Be Their External Hard Drive: Stop expecting them to "just remember." If they can't visualize the future, draw it for them. Use whiteboards. Use pictures. Externalize the time so they can see it passing.
Define "Done": Don't say "clean your room." Take a picture of the clean room, print it out, and stick it on the wall. Say, "Make it look like the picture." Give them the destination.
Pre-Game the Obstacles: Before they start something hard, ask them, "What is one annoying thing that might happen while you do this?" When they say "My pencil might break," you say, "Great. What is the plan if that happens?" Normalize the bumps in the road so anxiety doesn't use them as an excuse to bail.
Our job isn't to fix their brains; it's to help them build the bridges over these gaps so anxiety doesn't have to fill the void.
Need Help Navigating the Chaos?
If you feel like you understand the why but are still drowning in the how, you don’t have to white-knuckle this alone. If you need more support managing the intersection of anxiety and ADHD in your home, please reach out.
Contact me to schedule a intro call.
