Why Reassurance Feels Helpful (But Isn’t Helping Your Anxious Child Long-Term)
If you’re a parent of an anxious child, you’ve probably said things like:
“You’re going to be fine.”
“There’s nothing to worry about.”
“I promise that won’t happen.”
You mean it with love. In the moment, reassurance calms your child—and gives you a little peace too. But if you’ve found yourself stuck in a never-ending cycle of “what if” questions and seeking certainty, you’re not alone.
Many anxious kids rely on their parents to feel better in the short term. The problem? Too much reassurance can actually make anxiety worse in the long run.
What Is Reassurance-Seeking?
Reassurance-seeking happens when your child asks repeated questions to feel safer or more certain.
It sounds like:
“Are you sure I won’t throw up?”
“What if I don’t know anyone at camp?”
“Can you check again to make sure the door is locked?”
And as parents, we naturally respond—over and over.
But here’s the trap: The more reassurance a child gets, the more they feel like they need it to survive uncomfortable feelings.
Why It Doesn’t Work (According to Research)
Studies show that parental accommodation—changing your behavior to reduce your child’s anxiety—actually maintains and reinforces anxiety symptoms.
A 2018 study published in Child Psychiatry & Human Development found that higher levels of parental accommodation were strongly associated with more severe child anxiety symptoms and functional impairment over time (Zinbarg et al., 2018). When parents repeatedly offer reassurance, avoid triggers, or "fix" situations, it sends the message: You can't handle this without me.
How to Break the Cycle: Reduce, Don’t Remove
You don’t have to quit cold turkey. In fact, we want to reduce reassurance gradually while building your child’s coping skills.
Here’s how:
1. Name the Pattern
Talk to your child about what's happening in a calm, curious way.
"It seems like your worry is asking the same questions again and again. What do you think it’s trying to get from me?"
2. Use a Script Instead of New Answers
Rather than giving a fresh response each time, try saying:
"You’ve asked me that before, and I know your worry is looking for reassurance. What could you tell yourself instead?"
3. Practice Tolerating Uncertainty
This is the muscle that needs strengthening. Support your child in learning that they can feel unsure and still be okay.
Try:
"Yep, we can’t know that for sure. And I believe you can handle the not-knowing."
4. Celebrate Coping Wins
Notice and praise when your child resists asking for reassurance or handles a situation with uncertainty.
"I saw you sit with that question without needing me to answer it. That’s brave."
A Word to Parents Feeling Stuck
If you feel like a broken record or your child is melting down without your reassurance—you’re not failing. You’re human. Shifting out of the reassurance loop takes time and support—for both of you.
This work is hard. But with practice and the right tools, your child can learn to trust themselves more than their anxious thoughts. And you can feel less trapped in the exhausting cycle of constant calming.
Want Support Breaking the Reassurance Cycle?
This is one of the most common patterns I help families work through in therapy. If you’re ready to help your child grow more confident and resilient—without needing constant reassurance—I’d love to support you.
📩 Contact me to schedule a consultation
📚 Learn more about how anxiety shows up in kids
Reference:
Zinbarg, R. E., Pettit, J. W., Mineka, S., & Watson, D. (2018). Parental accommodation in child anxiety: Associations with child symptoms and treatment outcomes. Child Psychiatry & Human Development, 49(4), 618–628. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-017-0782-4
